Note To Self

So Mysterious

2009-12-26T06:00:04Z

Why is it that I think things are so simple- when everyone wants to back out with how complicated it is? Why is it that I think things are complicated, and explain why- when others wants to cop out with simple fallacies? Thank you Occam's Razor in the first case, and thank you evidence in the latter.
You know what I think?
Do you care?
Then stop or keep reading accordingly.
Justice... cannot be blind.
Nor can love be blind.
For then it is artificial, meant for the ego and not the superior faculties of the intellect and heart.
In the matter of Justice: if Justice is blind... then circumstances aren't taken into account, and mercy, which has come to rescue our each of us at some point or another, so preciously, has no niche in our society. Or world.
If love is blind, then faults are not recognized. If you love the legs, or eyes, or the intelligence, or the efficiency... but not the tendency towards stubborn behavior or impatience.... then you do not love the person completely. And if that person is one of us... we tend to try to deny it or harass ourself incessantly. But if we love ourselves, we will accept these tendencies and keep them where appropriate- discard where not, and do so for the sake of being better human beings. And then, love ourselves and take pride in our accomplishment as well. Credit is due where goodness is exhibited, and blame where badness is exhibited. But all from the stance of loving hope for improvement.
I think selfishness is an excess of self-concern, selflessness a lack of it, and self-preservation with compassion the happy medium. It's the win-win and the solution. Here's an allegory, of two couples. The first demonstrates selfishness and selflessness (many will see this as controversial). The second demonstrates the happy, healthy medium. Couple A: Partner 1 takes advantage of Partner 2 constantly. This is selfishness because as two individuals, they can keep themselves happy independently, or be happy together. It is unnecessary "ego activity" if you will. Partner 2 cares about the other person, more than him/herself. Thus, Partner 2 stays with Partner 1. Literally, Partner 2 is being selfless, and it is preventable as well as unhealthy. Couple 2: Both partners respect each other, love each other, and compromise of their own free will. They talk through disagreements, don't cling to each other, and trust each other. They increase overall happiness in their world and set an example for others, thus potentially increasing their happiness. Thus, self-preservation and compassion combined (which cycles with self-preservation by taking care of our social needs as social creatures. But it's a win-win, and aims to please everyone. Thus that is not selfish) creates the best situation.
I think love for (towards) all people won't occur... not because it's impossible. No, it's not outside our reach. It's because no matter how much we say we want it: we don't.
And maybe it's all a case of "the grass is always greener."
But jealousy, and wanting to be special, wanting to be number one whether in sports or romantically... inhibits us from loving all people. We don't have to love everyone in the same way. But... we don't have to limit our capacity for love either.
And mystery...
Salvatore, the favorite author of my friend Calvin, said that he hopes dragons never goes extinct. He hopes challenge and mystery are forever a part of our existence.
I believe it will be.
I believe in some respects, it is valuable.
If I knew everything, I couldn't be inquisitive.
I like being inquisitive. But perhaps I'd enjoy knowing everything more. Currently, I don't know that. I haven't even come up with an estimate yet.
But concerning mystery... I was asked...
"Imagine sleeping with the girl who has been around town- everyone has tasted her physical beauty. Now imagine someone who has not been had... and you must court her in order to receive her affections. Which is more special?"
You'd probably be tempted to say the 2nd girl, right?
I wouldn't.
I don't view love as a commodity, nor do I view sex as a commodity (outside of prostitution).
I think... each girl is special in her own right.
I don't want to compare them- they're in different fields. One's an apple, and one's a strawberry.
I personally enjoy them both.
Their styles are different. Our own tastes are different. And that's fine.
That's all I mean to say. You cannot put an objective value on the love or sex of either girl.
It can only be subjective.
I would adore, treasure, perhaps even love, both girls.
But we love different things about different people.
It would be a different love, but no less valuable on my part or hers.
Maybe for you it's different.
But once again... I don't think that's objective.
Thanks for listening... reading... whatever.
Love to you,
Dani

You Had Time

2009-09-12T00:25:30Z

Yes, and I made a decision!
Chelsea called me the other night and we were talking about her move out.
I was feeling a little unsure and she was too...
But I decided that when people say "you're young, don't be tied down, etc."
I find only lustful experiences to have.
This is the relationship I've felt the MOST free in,
Pretty much as free as if I were single except we are monogomous.
And I'm not going to forgoe the blessing of happiness she has given me-
Just to fuck around and be lonely when I don't have to be.
I want her in my life.
And right now we love each other.
So we're going to take advantage of that.
But if something happens, we'll respect the fact that life happens and stay friends.
She's such a wonderful, fun, clever and brilliant, questioning person and I love that.
She satisfies me on the different levels that need to be,
And loves me for me.
She doesn't get jealous, really.
I can play "that's my game", because she's assured of my commitment.
That's not to say I've never faced temptation either.
I have.
Recently.
And all I did was tell her and say that this time I wanted to keep that which is more important close to me instead of flinging.
It was actually some Ani Difranco song lyrics that really hepled me with that (AND CALVIN BECAUSE HE'S MY AMAZING TWIN AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HIM AND CHELSEA ARE HERE!!!!!).
"And I look up to see, integrity, finally won over desire."
I've failed at that before.
But I don't want to this time.
And if retrospect ends up proving I was wrong... that's okay too.
I'll just learn more about how to discriminate what's right iin these circumstances.

On another note:
Hookah bars rule,
My classes are fucking easy (so much for dying under a pile of homework),
Kara is an AWESOME friend and I love spending time with her.
She's a King, takes Russian with me, and is very understanding and extroverted.
She's also very reflective and honest.
We learned how to ask "What kind of underwear are you wearing?" in Russian.
Our professor was like, "WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT?"
Really, I'd want to ask her- SHE HAS AN INCREDIBLE BUTT HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!
Hehehehe, what can I say?
If someone's hot, they're hot. I don't care if they're a professor.
And Chelsea doesn't mind THAT either.
She just teases the hell out of me, haha.

So, I'm going to be a nude model for a friend soon!
She's in AP art at the HS and can't find a model.
I'm just like- UM DUH!!!! Ask me!
Haha, so I might do that Rose pose from Titanic.

Late. <3 :D

Can I Get It Together?

2009-08-12T06:42:38Z

Fuck. Me. Running.
So I had an emotional but good night last night.
Then today my Dad acts like an exremist and freaks me out about the bank -
But I'm taking care of it tomorrow.
I was at -499 'cause of some crazy shit.
I deposited 367 yesterday and Chelsea's helping me do the rest tomorrow,
And then I'll pay her back when I get the 500 scholarship.
I'm trying to get a deadline extension for this August payment to the school or something,
And I need to fax my immunization records.
My parents are saying I'm irresponsible, not prepared, they're scared, they're having problems planning because of my uncertainty, and want me to stay here and do Cuesta for a year or two.
They NEVER have, or will support the idea.
They WANT me to stay here.
And goodness knows they can't help out resource-wise.
So I'm just not going to ask for support or ANYTHING...
NO UPDATES.
Only my final decision.
Which is REALLY based only on if I can take care of those couple things.
I seriously don't even fucking care anymore-
Obviously my parents will never support me.
Dad doesn't even think I've been looking for a job-
THAT'S WHAT TURNING IN AN APP IS!!!!
DUH!
Dress well when you turn it in.
Check back with some places.
Obviously I'm a failure and it's not okay for me to move out unless everything is PERFECT and THEY feel SAFE and GOOD about it.
Oh well.
I don't care.
I'm doing it.
Latest I would stay here would be until Spring semester.
But I think I'll get it taken care of.
I'm sick of my Dad being paranoid,
I'm sick of my parents telling me I'm smart, then telling me what I shitty job I do,
I'm. Just. Sick. Of. It.
Maybe they don't get it: room/board is some of the money.
I won't have to worry about food if I can't find a job during the first month.
But I've been putting in apps. for places in KENT too.
I.DON'T.CARE.
No resources, or emotional support.
Fine.
.
Later.

Oh Pish-Posh

2009-07-26T03:40:00Z

So I had a couple realizations that are helping me to get past something:
If someone can't understand fluidity,
Especially when they say they don't like labels...
Even ones that are self imposed...
Then I may not be the best friend choice.
Also,
It's not my job to break down someone's walls.
I can be friendly and open and kind,
But it's the other person's job to choose to be brave and open up -
Or deem me the wrong person to do that with for them.
And that's fine.
It's not my JOB to help people get past their trust issues,
All I can do is be myself and HOPE that it helps.
It's another version, a little more subtle, of not being able to help someone if they won't put something into it.
You can't make someone stop partying,
You can't make someone see that there's positivity in the world alongside the negativity...
And you can't make someone trust you.
You can't make someone look at things holistically,
Or with a reductionist perspective.
All you can do is be open, kind, and willing to talk about it.
I'm still looking at school stuff and need to talk to the dining service people.
As well as "port" my insurance or whatever.
I've dealt with a lot of people who act like douche-bags recently...
Mostly vicariously though.
But it's kind of sad -
The things that people bring upon themselves.
So it's a little bit hard to be sympathetic.
And it gets easier and easier to walk away and say, "fuck it."
But it doesn't bother me all that much.
Calvin and I are probably going to take a walk later.
That should be nice.
I'll talk to him about all of it...
Laugh.
Explore some neighborhoods I haven't walked around in much yet.
I watched the Mothman Prophecies with my girlfriend last night, and it was rather creepy.
I don't think the heat is good for me,
Haha,
I become even more of a nutcase than I usually am.
I mean really-
Please tell me someone else knows what it feels like to have to grip reality firmly for fear that you'll lose it?
I should see Jamie and Willow soon.
That'd be rather lovely.
And probably Jacqui too.
<3
Late

Confessional

2009-07-22T08:07:07Z

The funny thing is, I feel like I need to make the shit I do wrong known.
Maybe for reassurance that I'm not as fucked up as I often think.
Also, I need to restate something:
I ALREADY HAVE SUPERHUMAN STANDARDS FOR MYSELF! DON'T ENCOURAGE THAT!
You should know what being my friend means...
In any relationship: friends, familial, whatever-
The other person will piss you off and/or hurt you at some point and to some degree.
To what extent are you in it?
Where is your line?
Mine?
You don't mess with my family, you respect my friends or don't come on that particular adventure (come now, no one's forcing you to act fake), don't hit me (even playfully, I get I strong urge to fight hard),don't choose partying over meaning consistently, and don't invalidate me.
But don't be afraid... if I'm being irrational or I'm wrong... point it out. I probably won't have a bad reaction, and if I do I'll GET OVER IT.
Other than that, chances are I can forgive.
Chances are, I'll stick around.
Those are my boundaries.
What are yours?
And how much do you REALLY fucking care?
I was thinking about Ashlie today- again.
I miss her... really badly.
And it doesn't help that I'm really moody this *week*.
I keep feeling like we'll start talking again...
I'm an impatient person.
That's not fun, and not really good.
Be that the case, I need to be patient...
And if not...
I need to move past this.
I don't want to though.
I want her back in my life.
I know what she meant to me.
I just want to be OFF my period...
I'm also sick of feeling like if I don't keep focused on maintaining a sense of reality constantly...
Somehow I'll lose that.
I looked up being an egg donor today.
You have to be 21-33.
Evidently I'm not.
Dude, I need money.
I need to do something right.
I've been drinking lots of soda, not enough water, not stretching, haven't applied for Kent jobs (may do that after this blog). I need to get my permit (then license), and read.
On a more positive note...
I went on a hike in the Salinas from Niblick Bridge to a little past Target...
WITH GLORIA!
YAY!
And got sunburnt!
I wasn't very prepared... but it was really cool.
We always have lovely talks.
:)
I also need to call Claire, see Danielle, and read.
Did I mention reading?
And employment?
Haha... yup.

I Feel So Unpretty, AARGH!

2009-07-22T08:06:18Z

I couldn't decide which skirt to wear,
So I decided on pants.
I couldn't decide which pants to wear,
The one pair I thought about was wet,
So I said fuck it and put on the shorts I was wearing earlier.
My shirt looks dumb with it.
My hair is disobedient.
I WANT TO GET RID OF MY HIPS AND MIDRIFF.
They need to GO AWAY!
And on one hand I'd love to wear some makeup tonight,
But either the fact that I'm wearing it will bug me...
It'll start to smear or something and look like shit anyway,
I'll break out more,
Or what-the-fuck-ever.
There may be a couple causes for this mood-swing but WHATEVER.
I don't know if I want to go out tonight.
But I kind of want to.
GR!
I have to go get some finger printing done...
But I'd rather just go to bed.
For like, 2 days.
But my body never does that.
So screw it.
I wish I liked running.
I feel really unfit.
But the fucking summer weather makes me tired.
That's not all though.
I'm lazy,
I'll admit that.
Yeah, I'd admit it all.
But there's no need to.
It's all self-evident.
I'm just pissy...
Funny thing is- I had a great day.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

2009-07-22T08:05:29Z

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/beauty/article1940848.ece

I love you ladies, but sometimes we're a little psycho. :|

Um...?

2009-07-22T08:04:22Z

I don't want to sleep.
At 4:30 I'm being picked up for Santa Cruz.
And I'm so excited.
But nervous.
It's like home there,
It's like Jurassic Park there...

Anyway.
I just braided all of Calvin's hair and had some funny discussions.
Haha.
Concerning:
... hearts... Flamson... rain damage... little men, changing, missing out on childhood dreams... awwww.
Haha.
And I bet you don't know how they're all related. :P

And in case you didn't notice,
The lead singer for Counting Crows... with dreadlocks?
They're all shitlocks.
And it's hot.
:D

Mr.D: SNACK TIME!
Dani: FUR SHUR!!!!!

MY AP TEST SCORES!!!

2009-07-07T03:24:09Z

Econ-Mac: 2
Eng. Lang/Comp: 5
Eng. Lit/Comp: 4
French Lang: 3
Gov't & Pol US: 4
Psychology: 4

It's graded on a 1-5 scale, with 3 being the passing mark.
Fuck Econ... I don't give a shit about it anyway,
I am a little disappointed with the French one though.
But I wasn't in a real AP course, just normal French.
So I'm proud of myself.
:D

Marlboros and Slugbugs

2009-07-01T09:11:07Z

I was in San Francisco Thursday through Sunday!
I did the Trans March, Dyke March, watched the Gay Parade, rode the BART (for like 3 minutes, and it's amazing but makes me nervous), had my wallet stolen (luckily a man called a number from my ASPCA card... my ex... who had wanted to take me to San Fran... HAHAHAHA), Chelsea got me a cute sweatshirt with the HRC symbol, recycle symbol, and a little Earth on it. I also got some peace pendants. One for me and some others for some lovely special people. :)
I did a LOT of funny shit too. I walked up to this one woman who had an ice cream stand at the Gay Pride March and asked if I could have an ice cream if I flashed her, cause I didn't have any money. She just said, "nah, I'll just give you one." HAHAHA. Gotta love it.
Played slug bug with Andee and Holly, Chelsea and I tag teamed a lot since I REFUSE to hit her. I don't care if it's a game, I just won't do that with her...
I've had quite a few revelations, little "I didn't know I could" moments.
For example:
I thought I sucked at commitment because I can't ever realistically imagine myself with someone YEARS down the road... cause I just don't believe in fairy tales anymore. Chelsea said, "babe, that's completely rational." I think Marc summed it up best a couple years ago: I love you here and today. I honestly feel like that's all I can say. It's inappropriate to swear about my emotions twenty years from now, ever. But ESPECIALLY at my age. Screw that.
I just had a Malboro... meh. I'm out of ciggies. Those fuckers burn FAST hahaha.
Also, while in San Fran I consulted Chelsea, Holly, and Andy about my ideas concerning me and independence. Basically I've been feeling nervous about the move and inadequate as a human being because of that. I said, "my expectation of myself would be to be able to just up and go ANYWHERE, be completely self-sufficient and not need ANYONE to take of me in ANY way." I said, is that me being irrational? They said "oh yeah, you're only human." It was really relieving to find out I'm not bad just because I can't really do that. I feel like I really do need people to keep taking me under their wing, looking out for me... especially I need Calvin to go to Kent with me. If he weren't to do that I'd accept it and put on my big girl panties best I could... I just don't want them to fall off if I try putting them on too soon. Who wants to wander around in a strange place naked and hyperventilating... you know?
I miss tall cliffs from Zion and tall buildings from San Fran.
I think I could do this city shit, you know?
*Shrug*
I got my lip pierced last night, had my dreads finished last Thursday (in the morning, I left in the evening) and I think I look pretty bangin', haha. Chelsea agrees. Ma doesn't like the lip hoop so when it's healed I'll get ahold of a stud like I was planning. Clay didn't have any studs proper for an initial piercing with my lip.
So,
Want to hear a really wonderful but bad story?
Too bad, it's my blog, you can close the window if you don't want to read it!
So I had a sexual interest in this one person, but I didn't have it all... figured out.
I found out this person wasn't my type.
I was VERY PLEASED ABOUT THAT.
Chelsea and I decided when I move we're breaking up but enjoying our time together now...
But I thought, "oh shit... if this person's my type, I may be REALLY tempted to end it early out of lust because I kind of have seductive powers" (or I'm an arrogant son of a bitch, one of the two)...
When I found this out though, I told her while we were driving to San Luis.
She just said, "I see where you're coming from."
I couldn't believe she wasn't pissed at me.
I started crying and said I'd felt it was like a mental betrayal and that's why I'd been a little on edge when we'd hung out the night before.
She said well no, and I'm a little jealous, but that's just because I care about you. But no I'm not mad about you.
I'm so used to being made to feel ashamed of what it's just how I roll.
I'm flirtatious and lack a bit of self-control.
Haha that rhymes.
But she came into this with knowledge of that, and just accepted me for who I am at this point in my life.
And I love her for that and so many other reasons.
She never makes me feel ashamed or like I need to change.
I don't do that to her either.
And we communicate very openly.
I absolutely love that.
We're brave enough to just be truthful and take things as they come.
Those are things I've really been needing and they're making me SO happy.
Because I'm tired of feeling shame.
It's about time that constant, neurotic guilt ceases. She's teaching me that I'm okay as a person and I don't need to constantly make myself feel like shit.
I've never had that at such a sophisticated level.
And I don't feel trapped.
I feel like this is something I want.
Not something I can't get out of.
Okay, so I ranted.
Whatever.
Basically life is pretty good right now.
Still need a job.
Hopefully going to Santa Cruz the 7-10 of July and definitely the French Festival the 12th or something. Haha.
Need to get more scholarship/loan stuff done.
AP results will come in soon.
And I'll laugh when I get a 1 or less on Economics. HAHAHA.
And I won't care.
I only care about the other ones.
:)
Love on you folks! *Muah* (Yes, I DID just give you a kiss, don't worry... it was on the cheek :) )
-Dani

Life Has Been Lovely

2009-05-22T05:21:03Z

I have a trip to an exploratorium tomorrow with Physics people,
I'm going to prom because Nicola is making me,
And Sunday I leave for Zion! I'll be backpacking there for a week.
And I'm ALMOST caught up on everything as far as school goes!
I could use a bit more sleep.
MY KENT SWEATSHIRT AND SWEATPANTS CAME IN TODAY!
THEY'RE AMAZING!
WARM!
FUZZY!
HOT!
WOOT!
So I'm going to go...
Just a quick update.
<3

Just A Rant

2009-04-05T10:28:12Z

Haha yeah...

So basically I've come to admit that I may have some pent up aggression that I've been noticing... and I don't know how to feel about that. I'm not used to it and thus it doesn't feel normal, but intellectually I'm guessing it is. *Shrug*

Nicola keeps handing me flowers- dandelions... and every time I close my eyes and make a wish...
I wish for your forgiveness.
Because I love you in such an imperfect way, and you're adamant- but why?
Oh I suppose I know the answer.
And I can't expect that I deserve anything.
I just miss you.

At any rate...
Gloria hung out, got Coldstone, and had wonderful discussions concerning: religion and lack thereof/drugs/the book Ishmael/being a good citizen... :D
Good stuff.
Then we went back to my place,
And then Nicola came over,
And Calvin got back from Ventura where he'd spent a few nights.
And he took us to the creek since he was going to go golfing.
We.
Skinny dipped.
And got really cold.
AND IT WAS FUCKING FUN!
Well, Gloria and I skinny dipped, Nicola didn't. But we all swam around a bit. It's sooooo hilarious.

I had an excellent therapy appointment the other day.
I had some odd questions that I felt really needed some answering, and who better to ask?
It's not the kind of shit you can just go up and ask someone.
So I feel pleased with the conversations I've been having, in general.

Nervous financially though.
But my next paycheck will be pretty damn good if my guess is correct.
I hope so.
I'm going to talk to Kent State soon because they want you to do something called "Destination Kent State" which is like an orientation but overnight.
I don't have the resources to simply fly out to Ohio for a day and a half.
And it's not really practical anyway.
So I'll discuss that with them and try to get my matriculation fee waived as well, although that's doubtful.
The High School will soon announce local scholarship winners so I hope to get in on some of that.

TODAY (actually), SUNDAY, I GET TO GO SEE WILLOW!
AND I'LL BE THERE UNTIL TUESDAY!
HOORAY!
I haven't seen her in such a long time (since the summer or some shit like that).
Neither of us really had b-day parties so we're going to celebrate being 18 together!

I really need to go to bed soon so that I have time to shower and pack before 12:30, cause that's when Calvin and I agreed to leave.

I finished "The Road Less Travelled."
That book is AMAZING.
There's so much that I agree with, want to learn from, and through reinterpretation can make my own and have it be useful.
Definately recommended for those interested in psychology, spirituality, or just growing as a person.
On that same note, "The Four Agreements" is wonderful too, so look into it if you feel such an inclination!

My Aunt is still trying to find a way to MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE...
Get me to have a trip to France this summer.
I REALLY want to.
But I'm so unsure.
Sometime during Spring Break (I want to know, but I SHOULD go to sleep so I think I will) I shall sit down and take care of more college/summer stuff and see what I can/want to do.

The other day someone told me they wanted to do something around my graduation... like a partyish thing.
I was like, "NO!" Haha.
But she told me I'm the kid so I don't get to decide. LMAO. I freaking love her dude. :)

I'll miss my animals when I'm in college.
But I want to try to find a way to bring Blanc, mon chat (my cat). <3

Isn't it absolutely incredible, when you think about it, that we as humans deviced a method of getting to the other side of the world in approximately one half of a day! I mean... when you put it in perspective, the prospect of flying to France doesn't seem QUITE so threatening...

Love and Peace.
Dani

And sooooo...

2009-04-02T23:48:02Z

I'm going to see Willow this weekend!!!
YAYYYY!
I miss her so much!
We're going to eat, and watch anime (cause she's capable of making me like it) and talk and be crazy and maybe go to a mall and be like wooooottt!!!
She's my best friend.
Since 4th grade!
I used to stay at her house on the weekdays and at mine on the weekends!
LOL!
And we'd always be late to school, and get lunchtime detention which we loved!
We got to sit on the stage in the cafeteria which was much less crowded than the tables, and have our backs to everyone... then we'd sponge off the tables when everyone was done eating, and sing while doing so!
Haha, punishment my ass!
Someone should give me some motivation to do my homework...
And that person SHOULD be me...
But it might not happen.
LOL.
Been working a bit, so that's nice. I need the money. And I NEED to pay Tori back, fuckin' ASAP.
I'm so sick of having that burden on me...
I need to dial in online banking so I can see where I'm at cause I know my checkbook isn't accurate right now.
I always miss my teachers during spring break, lol.
I wish Nicola and Julia could come over so that we could go to the creek and swim in it.
HOORAY FOR SLIGHTLY UNSANITARY WATER AND SOMEWHAT INDECENT EXPOSURE!
So I started working on a poem, free verse. Wanna see it? Then read below...

I know.
Yes, I know.
I bring out the worst in you.
I am the little devil perched on your right shoulder seductively whispering temptation to your brain.
But I think this side of you compliments your admirable, and undeniable saintliness so well.
And I may be another pinch in your fragile chest,
Another pressure in your sternum activating sweat glands, and tear ducts, and clenched fists...
But you can't deny that I love you for who you are.
The essence of your spirit fills my lungs with soothing respite,
You embrace can be likened to that of a child's.
And your rough laugh resonates in my sorrowful bust's cavity.
Separation by stupidity...
My lack of self-control sucked in and down,
Further in the quick sands of mistrust which plague you so.

Not nearly done, but that's the start. I've got a couple that I'm working on.
I'm really enjoying spring break.
Unfourtunately I'm a little sick,
And annoyed because my report card hasn't come in yet...
But I'm very excited for when it does.
I may have more B's than I wanted, but that's okay.
I'm confident that these are the grades I deserve, I have fair teachers, I think.
I'll have inhouse when I get back though, because I didn't go to Saturday School. Not that I care, it's just Saturday School on crack. So I'll go around and get work from my teachers to keep myself occupied... maybe write some letters or poetry as well.
I might get my belly button pierced soon!
I always long for new decorative body mutilations.
Sometime I'm going to get my lip, tongue, and one of my nipples done. :D
Won't that be distracting? :P
Wow, I really should be a therapist.
God knows my life fucking gave me the training for it.
Haha,
Anyone wanna pay me? :P J/K.
K, hope you're all well!

I'm a Dumbass

2009-03-02T10:18:55Z

I get to sleep in until 7:30... haha too bad I'm still awake, huh? I have to go to San Luis Obispo in the morning and I don't really want to... Paperwork with the rents. Then an appointment. Then school. Then work (tutoring). Then.... go see Gloria and the other Danielle I think. I'm really hungry. Oh yeah, so I'm basically an idiot. I ate cheesecake and cheeze whiz with crackers today. I felt like a total fatass... Definately staying vegan. I just feel better that way. I want some cinnamon toast crunch.... HUNGRY. I love how I'm going to be absent half the day tomorrow and my teachers are going to be like, "bitch come to fucking school," and I'm seriously like, "fugoogowee!!!!!" That's how you spell it Calvin. ;) We be takin' pictures. I look like hell, but I feel great cause I took a shower, and I have a metal hoop through my nostril, heehee!!! I think somebody should make cards that say FUCK YOU. I'd send them to a few people right now. Muahahahaha. Okay okay, Calvin's right, I'd send those to a LOT of people. Haha I spoke to Tori today. We might see each other soon. I adore her. Pink Martini is the shit - check out their music dude. I sat on Calvin while on the phone and he started doing push ups.... yeah, awkward phone moments.... I've answered my phone at WAAYYYYYYYYYYY more awkward times.... hahahahahaha Chelsea. :) Mmmmkay.I took a bath while talking on the phone to Nicola... ummm is that kind of dangerous? HAHA I asked her that and she was like, "I'd miss you." But I heard, "I wouldn't feel...." like she was going to say bad after that. And then before I thought Calvin said he wanted to make sausage smoothies -- BLEH. But he said breakfast burritos. RRRRRRR I'm HUNGRY. TUMMY MUST SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So my Physics went down to a B. :( It's high though. Everything else (except Econ. probably is an A)...... meh. I hope to sleep... soon.
But just like everything else: I'm probably not going to make the right decision. :P

Time for an Update:

2009-02-22T21:52:32Z

Hey folks,
I haven't blogged in a while and I decided it was time to. I've been doing alright. My anxiety was high so I'm back on Zoloft and it's helping a little bit already. For some reason in the past week even though I haven't exercised really, I think I LOST weight. Weird, huh? I think my body appreciates the break. I have some tedious typing homework to do, GEO write up things (but my brain doesn't want to work), and Econ which I just don't even - arg. Hahaha. But whatever, I think the rest of today is going to be good, and tomorrow as well.
So um, I'm single now, and that's pretty cool. I mean I feel kind of bad but I guess I did what I had to do. And no, I'm not interested in ANYONE right now. I just want to be single for a while.
I'm entering a poem in the county writing contest... I'm really nervous about Cantrell reading it cause it's knarly... but whatever.
Dance is going pretty well. We're learning a western style one right now.
I sang with Chantacleer on Tuesday with my choir group! It was really difficult because my anxiety was so bad, but it was 12 hours and I made it through, it was a lot of fun, and a great experience as a developing artist. I don't know if I'll do choir or dance in college, but I might. I'd probably go to a studio and take lessons during my first year and then join the school later on. Besides, I can't afford to fly out for audition stuff and I never put dance down as a minor or anything.
I asked a teacher a funny question the other day, "what would you ask me, if you could ask one question knowing I'd answer honestly." He said it was a devious question... at first I disagreed but then I thought about it, and he's kind of right. It's a little mischievious (because I get the same in return) but I'm excited to see what he's going to ask me!
I didn't go to school Friday, so that might be a bitch. But I think in English we just watched Groundhog Day... in gov. we probably took notes and we turned in a study guide which I have done... yeah, I'm not too concerned.
I think one of my friends is pissed at me right now so I feel kind of bad about that... I'm sure it will turn out okay though. But she's wonderful. She's really been there for me, especially recently.
I want some friends to practice french with. :(
Peace and Love,
Danni

Grades and Life

2009-02-03T09:14:03Z

I got all As and Bs on my report card.
I'm so excited!
But I've been really tired lately.
Not quite so happy, you know?
Dance is going okay,
Tutoring is going well, making good money and enjoying myself...
I'm going to see about direct deposit soon.
You know you hardly realize that some lines shouldn't have been drawn in the first place until you cross them...
If anybody has any tips on easing hatred (for does it not interfere with our ability to love others),
Or tips for practicing self-confidence, do let me know.
I'm awfully distracted these days.

Finalement

2009-01-16T23:56:05Z

We had finals week,
And now we're done.
It's the end of the first semester.
I felt like a moron in Physics today.
Didn't sign up for a supplementary french class,
And feel FUCKING GREAT!
Ashlie and I are friends again,
Calvin's all moved in.
Eden and I are doing fairly well.
My grade are going to be good I think!
I'll tell you all what they are soon.
Working on poetry stuff a lot,
A district report,
Reading The Brothers Karamazov and Collapse primarily.
I have a Zion payment coming up!
AHHHH!
LOL
Anyone wanna pay it for me? :P

16 Random Things

2008-12-10T04:39:50Z

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things - shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I finished a dance for the first time today!
2. I got a 48/50 on my last Physics test!
3. School is the only place I ever feel like getting fucked up, really.
4. I have developed a slight avoidance of Alaskan things...
5. Everything we do is a reflection of ourself... our joys, insecurities, all of it.
6. I finally like black coffee.
7. I've been really bad about drinking water lately, again.
8. It's really irritating to learn the real way to pronounce a word (the way it's pronounced in the actual language from whence it came) and then try to figure how to pronounce the copy-cat in your language.
9. My life tends to feel like a series of unintended consequences.
10. I talk about myself too much. I guess I happen to think it's an interesting topic.
11. I think all the relationship combinations are hot.
12. I should've fucking been in independent studies.
13. I don't REALLY hate school, that's just a projection of how I feel about myself.
14. Pixie Sticks... MUAHAHAHAHA.
15. I think it's funny when people who don't know me tell me I'm a good person.
16. I love the EARLY morning. Ideally I would sleep from 7 am to 3 pm and have my active hours be the rest...

People:
1. Eden cause I'm waiting for her to get back.
2. Ms. B because she was cool enough to add me.
3. Tori cause i can't remember whether or not I told her I got accepting to Kent State...
4. My Physics instructor: because one time I asked if I could leave the class for a second, and my eyes were all wide so that I wouldn't cry... and later we're talking and I was telling her I'd explain a certain thing to her when I was in a better mood... she goes, "oh, you're in a bad mood?" Well I sure as fuck didn't go take a hit honey!
5. Rain because she's so fascinating.
6. Calvin because I'm tempted to talk to him late again...
7. Michel because I'm seriously the most retarded student on this planet.
8. Mendell? Because I think i just remembered that he's the famous genetics scientist who experimented with pea plants! Argh I needed his name the other day!
9. Elise... because she's usually good at calling people back.
10. Mark, cause I need that one poem back...
11. Marc, cause the last e-mail he sent me made me go "huh?"
12. Ashlie because I need to message her or something.
13. Mary cause I can't figure out where she's from but it sure as hell isn't Cali.
14. About 5 people at once because I wonder how in the world I don't sound like a bumbling dumbass to them (haha you thought I'd say idiot, eh?).
15. Mama cause I want to see her smile.
16. Jamma and Eddie because they remind me of Starbucks and cigarettes - the two best smells aside from gasoline and Clinique Happy for ma Mamas or Old Spice fo ma Papis!

C'est ridicule...

2008-12-08T04:29:12Z

Il faut regarder le film "les choristes." Je ne sais pas si je l'ai dit juste... mais...
J'ai les devoirs pour mes classes d'anglais et pour gouvernement.
Aussi pour danse...
Mais je me scens parraseuse.
!
J'ai mes regles! Merde!
J'ai eu une presentation chorale sur Jeudi et c'etait bon!
Mem, Jacqueline, et leurs maris sont venus,
Ils sont comme famille (plus Jacqueline bien sur).
Je l'aime.
C'est drole parce que je sais que ma mere m'aime, et elle est bien assez...
C'est vrai aussi que j'ai besoin des gens qui viendront a mes presentations et choses comme ca.
Je pense que Michel est un peu fache a moi peut-etre.
D'accord,
Alors...
Je finirai mes devoirs... mangerai... et penserai de demain, gene.
:|
Ah bon! Calvin viendra ici pour vivre peut-etre! J'espere que oui, comme magnifique, non?
Et pendant les vacances d'hiver je vais aller chez mon grand-pere, ma grande-mere, et ma tante! C'est possible que Eden viendra avec moi!
Pour ces choses, je suis ravi. :)

Just Had To Let You Know

2008-11-29T12:02:14Z

MARC GOT THROUGH HIS SURGERY TODAY, and he's just fine!
I'm so excited!
I can't even tell you how much I'd cried this weekend.
That combined with a lack of sleep...
Yeah, I look like hell.
BUT WHO CARES?
Oh yeah, on Thanksgiving I fasted for about 21 hours.
I was kind of pissed that my family invited Rain to come for dinner.
Hah, she rejected the offer though.
Eden, Calvin, and I are all really excited about Ohio.
A lot of the jobs there on Craigslist have the same pay, even though the cost of living is much cheaper there,
How heartening is that?
I'm working on a poem right now,
It's coming out really well.
Blinkwolt is helping me by encouraging me to be brave and urging me to write more and more.
But it's so scary.
As a writer... you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
And it's a step I need and want to take-
I've been saying that.
But that doesn't make it easy at all.
Anyway,
If you'd like to see it as it progresses... let me know.
Oh yeah...
And I've got a lovely fucking econ. packet, plus gov. legal brief to do-
We're behind on the district report,
And I didn't go to Salsa all month... it just kept not working out (twice it wasn't my fault, only the other 2 times was it me).
I need to choreograph more,
And I want to read more.
I love black coffee now...
And I miss working out at kennedy.
This...
Is my life. :)

Functioning

2008-11-27T09:04:37Z

I had a wonderful day at school today,
Made a poem a lot better and spoke with a wonderful teacher who's very encouraging.
He told me to "watch your step, you're too good." and I'm not sure if I know what that means yet...
Then I went to a friend's house and hung out...
Now I'm home.
I just found out that someone very dear to me will be having open heart surgery Friday because of problems with a MAJOR artery...
And I'm completely distraught...
Because on top of this news,
It seems like nobody fucking cares-- when I know if one of my friends told me something parallel, I'd be doing anything I could to comfort them.
As you may perceive... I am rather indignant.
However as long as he is alive I will try to rejoice.
For Thanksgiving I'll be on a beverage only fast (already started) and hopefully today I'll spend most of my time simply contemplating life, and gratitude.
This just seems more my style of celebrating such a concept...
Oh yeah, Choir Concert on the 4th.
E-mail me for details...

One of my Spurts

2008-11-19T07:35:30Z

So I'm having one of those lovely moments for some reason, where it's like that one icon I used to have:
"I hate you X fuck you X leave me alone!"
Funny how really we tend to mean the opposite in moments like that...
Yeah,
All I wanted was a fucking hug today.
Evidently that's just too goddamn hard though, isn't it?
And you suck at constructive criticism then shut your face until you can get it right -- else no one's going to listen and it'll be unproductive. There's your reason right there.
Sick of not getting sleep.
Sick of getting sleepy.
Whatever.
Doesn't fucking matter.
I'm just a selfish little performer, so what does it matter?
I'm just having one of those moments.
I'm just going to belittle how I feel right now to make you feel better.
Good for you.
L8er.

Poinsettias - GREAT GIFT!!!

2008-11-17T08:55:48Z

Hey folks,
I'm selling Poinsettias for a fundraiser, so that in May I can go on a trip to Zion! If you need a gift for a family member, know of a business owner who could use a good holiday plant, or just think they're pretty -hit me up!
Dani

The E-Mail

2008-11-12T08:13:29Z

You really are so kind. I guess the main thing for me to ponder is what I will consider to be patriotism and choosing whether or not I care to define myself, and if so in which way will I do so? It definitely bothers me when people equate patriotism with blind faith... I honestly believe that leads us right to trouble and has already.... in more than one context.
And you should be the perfect person for me to be e-mailing right now (slight giggle). I just finally realized that most of my recent bitterness came from losing my previous (call it childish, I don't care!) mindset of, "yes, actually, I can and will take the world by storm." As I kid I always had this idea that I was special, and talented, and nothing mattered except being good and achieving my dreams. I guess when I got to middle school the disillusionment began to set in. We can't all get what we want and I mean.. they lied about everything else in elementary school, didn't they? But how dare I lie to myself and pretend that I don't believe I'm better than this. I do. And I'm not conceited for it. I WILL make music, dance, write, work with languages, and allow myself to be free. It's scary... but to not truly live MY existence the way I want to... would be infinitely more tragic. I'm feeling my way around with this idea, but that's what I've got right now, and while maybe the details are hard to follow I know that the goal of that whole paragraph is clear!
I want to believe in myself again.
So I do.
:D
I was talking to a mentor... friend... whatever, the other day... and I told her about my current situation.
"In dance there are two distinct groups. I belong to neither, not even the '2nd' we'll title it, which I normally would belong to... and such is the same with B-CASE. Two distinct groups. One you would think I'd belong to but I don't... because my meanings of words like friendship and belonging go a little deeper than everyone else's.... and I felt bad about this." She told me, "Dani... I don't think you really want that. And your friend Jamie (who I told about this) is right, this does give you a possible advantage to be able to bounce back and forth, experience both, mediate, etc."
All I need to do is have a positive mindset and be brave.
I can do that. :)

Not too Late

2008-11-12T07:40:55Z

I will only become embittered, and only have been, when I lose sight of my dreams.
Fuck what anybody else says.
I dance well, and I catch on to music quickly.
I will make music.
Yup, that's right. I'm going to make some music someday.
And I will write.
And I will translate french and learn Russian and Spanish, perhaps even Mandarin Chinese,
And I won't.
Fucking.
Give.
Up.
I can do this.
I don't CARE what anybody else thinks.
I like where my dreams lead me, and I'm going there.